My husband and I had been trying for awhile. We went to a fertility specialist, that ran many test. The only thing that showed as a problem from the blood tests is low vitamin D levels and needing the shot of MRR (which I know I got as a child) so, a simple addition of vitamin D to my daily vitamin intake and a shot took care of everything. But months passed and I still was not pregnant, the doctor suggested some assisted reproductive technology, this was unsuccessful, and only took me further into the self blaming of infertility. I was lost, I know that God is in control, but could not understand why he would allow this to go on when he could simply fix it. I found my self struggling to live the day to day, too overwhelmed by my situation and feeling stuck. I had to make the choice to see the good in my life (cause there is a lot) rather then be focused on the things I did not have. This shift helped me live more of a full life. A song that has meant a lot to me during this time (and other times) is Thrive by Casting Crowns, here are some of the words below
Here in this worn and weary land Where many a dream has died Like a tree planted by the water We never will run dry … Into Your word, we’re digging deep To know our Father’s heart Into the world, we’re reaching out To show them who You are.
In a worn a weary land where many dreams have died – those words sounded so timely for how I was feeling. The next phrase talked about a tree planted by the water that will never run dry, planted in Christ, because he is the ever giving life giver! By the time I am done listening to the song, I am ready to get up and take on the world. The main reason we are on here on this earth is to have relationship with Christ, I can have that NOW, no need to wait for a positive pregnancy test for this!
My husband and I had to decide how to move forward, what to do? do we invest more finances into figuring out what was wrong? or what we need to do to fulfill our dream? We felt lead to go to a different doctor, a direct primary care doctor. This kind of doctor is different, kind of old fashion in a way. The doctor has a pool of patients that they know very well and can dedicate more time to their care because insurance is not a part of the equation. At my first appointment with my doctor, I immediately felt the difference. and I LOVED it. She took the time to sit down with me and go over all my medical history, we were specifically seeing her to address my fertility issue, so accordingly took ample time for this. She not only took the time to see how I was doing physically, but also emotionally! She encouraged me to find people ahead of us on our journey to connect with and be encouraged by. I told my husband later that it felt like a therapy session, it was a great relief to have someone finally listen to me and understand me. I think one of the most surprising thing to me is that by the time I got done describing all my symptoms was that she gave me a possible diagnosis of what was wrong! she was suspicious I had endometriosis.
I was shocked that she was able to come to a solution so soon, but relieved that we had a direction to move in. I second guessed myself that I over exaggerated my symptoms, was I making a mountain out of a mole hill? the only way to diagnose endometriosis is with surgery, so I was referred to a specialist that did endometriosis surgery, she would be able to diagnose and treat my endo.
Fast forward a to my surgery in August, it was confirmed that I have stage 4 endometriosis and I am currently waiting for surgery to address it. There is some relief that I have a confirmed diagnosis, but the disease is so complicated and still a mystery on how to live with it besides surgery. This is the start of a new way of living, life with endometriosis.